Heal Me, Kill Me

Have you noticed that there is a pill for absolutely everything lately?  Yes, every time I turn on my television I want to hear about incontinence, sexual enhancers and a host of other diseases.  Twenty years ago, people blushed at the mere mention of some of the diseases Pharmaceutical Companies are touting and giggling about.   Thirty years ago, there was no mention.

What is even more interesting is the new “disclaimer” that comes along with the commercials.  “May cause dizziness rapid heartbeat, blurred vision and in some cases death”.    These commercials run all day every day, regardless of whether the kids are home from school.  Any normal adult would be thinking …”I’m going to the doctor so that he can kill me with the newest cure”.  How do you explain these disclaimers to a child who is already petrified?  I can just hear the screams in millions of households in America  “MOOMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYY I don’t care about the lollipop I’m NOT going!”.  I’ll tell you something kids, I’m screaming too.  Knowing that the doctor is going to be pushing the latest and greatest, I don’t want to go either.

With the cost of necessary prescriptions so far out of control that people who really require medicine are doing without it, why is this excessive advertising necessary?  Rather than demand that every United States Citizen carry Health Insurance, would it make more sense to reign in these exhibitionist  pill pushers and reduce the cost of the product?  Of course it would.

There Are No Instructions for A First Broken Heart

Children do not come with instruction manuals.  Like any new product, I firmly believe they should.  As a matter of fact, why should only one family per week benefit from Super Nanny’s knowledge? I think Jo should capitalize on her child rearing knowledge and develop that manual! 

Infancy is easy.  Pat here to burp, rock in a consistent swaying motion to quiet crying.  Feed here.  Have plenty of Tide Pens ready for spit up stains.   It all seems simple enough.  Around the age when you expose your child to other children it gets a bit more complicated.  Issues like parents who send children to day care while they are carrying what all parents know as “the crud.  Solution – visit pediatrician…get icky thick pink stuff.  School brings more questions.   “Hey Mom….why does my classmate have two Moms instead of a Mom and Dad?” Accccck!  Deal with child in a matter of fact voice, and explain according to family values and religious beliefs.

Before you know it you are smack in the middle of the dreaded teenaged years.  Suddenly, the little girl that once kissed a worm in your friend’s back yard notices …. (Gasp….) boys!

Rule # 1 –Teenaged boys are walking hormones, therefore, boys lie.  Boys Lie.  Boys will say anything to get into your pants and do anything to get you into their pants.  BOYS LIE is required memorization for every teen girl.

Once they ignore that with a burning determination you wish they would apply to cleaning their rooms, the inevitable happens.  The dreaded first broken heart appears and suddenly you wish someone told you before you had this child that you would feel everything that they feel.  The problem is you feel is from a parent’s point of view…and that is magnified a million times.

Broken hearts are bad enough; however, they are worse when they are suffered as the result of betrayal by your “best friend”.   Even worse – your best friend begins accusing you of things that you aren’t doing to deal with her guilt.

Rule # 2 – No friend that values a boyfriend more than they value a loyal friend is worth calling a friend.

These are two lessons that are the first of many that will count.  Most importantly, they are two situations where adult reason makes sense, but your heart is still shattered in a million tiny pieces.  That my dear is called commonly called irony.

This is the time Moms and Dads everywhere will do everything within their power to take the pain away, all the while knowing that no matter what they say or do,the child must still swallow this bitter pill.

So – I’ll go get the crazy glue and a quart of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey and get ready to have a shoulder full of tears and such ….heaven knows my little girl is growing up and I’m going to need those Tide pens again…but this time they will be removing mascara.

If You Can’t Cure What Ails You….Try Google….

Laughter is the best medicine.  Millions of dollars have been spent on research of terminally ill patients who watched episodes of Abbott & Costello or the Three Stooges.The outcome is something our elders knew generations before.  The patients who laughed most often showed better response to treatment, and lived longer than those who did not. 

 Approaching life with a sense of humor is a must.  Learning to laugh at yourself is one of the best life skills you can develop. 

 Somewhere in your mid-40’s it happens.  You are in the midst of doing laundry.  You fold a load of towels and are going to put them away.  Suddenly, you see your child’s sneakers in the middle of the floor and go to put them into his or her room.  Once inside the room you discover a total disaster that you start working on.  When you are done, you go to the kitchen, then to the shower.  Suddenly you are looking into your linen closet knowing that you just washed a load of towels, and wondering intensely just what the heck you did with them.    Looking at the situation you can react with anger and get yourself into a tizzy over it….or you can laugh.  Laughter is the best choice.

The internet is definitely a great source for comedic relief.  There have been times that I’ve been chatting with a friend on IM and laughing so hard that I was certain that anyone who walked into the room and saw me laughing so hard that tears were running down my face would promptly call the men in the white jackets to come take me away. Last night was one of those times.  Now…while it may not be polite to laugh at the illness of another person, I received an e-mail from my mom that sent decorum flying out the nearest window and prompted my daughter to come running to see what had caused the hysterics.  The e-mail read:

No matter how bad you feel, it’s always good to get a laugh, today my right middle finger is locking in a curled toward the palm position.  It is excruciatingly painful to straighten it so I went on the computer and put in Carpal Tunnel Syndrome/Locking Finger.  I was so happy to see that E-Bay and Biz-Rite sites have bargain rates on carpal tunnel syndrome locking fingers.  Wonder what I can get for mine. I thought you would get a chuckle out of computer land.T

It is obvious where my sense of humor comes from, and amazing that my mother sent that just when I needed that break.

The conclusion….if you are faced with a medical problem, forget the expensive doctor bills…just Google it, the laughter will cure you.