Love As A Concious Decision

Did you ever have a lightbulb moment?  Someone makes a comment and suddenly that comical image appears above your head and sheds 150 watts of brilliant, insightful light on a thought you’ve been struggling to understand for decades.

When I returned to school several years ago, I didn’t have the first clue about the Professors at the College.  I had returned with the intention of obtaining access to a highly revered nursing program.  The first semester back, I decided to take classes I knew I could handle so that I could get used to the demands of being a single parent, who held a full time job and attended school.

I lucked out.  My English Professor was one of the best in the world.  He is the type of teacher that believes that teaching is more than giving you notes.  Dr. Snyder believed in prompting independent and deep thought.

On the first night of class, his announced that there was one perfect being, and He wasn’t sitting in our classroom.  Dr. Snyder did not give A’s.  Rather than allowing my bubble to burst, I worked hard and opened my mind to endless possibilities I would not have conceived six months earlier. 

I discovered many things in this class.  My love of Shakespeare and ability to analyze his works has me convinced that I had to have spent time with the man in a former life.  I discovered that I wrote well, that I thought deeply and that being a nurse was not what I was meant to be.

Most importantly on that first night, Dr. Snyder, while discussing the deeper meanings in works of literature brought up the novel Tess D’Ubervilles.  An eighteenth century french work, it was rather racy for the time period.  A peasant becomes impregnated outside of marriage and gives birth to a bastard son.  When she breaks free of her servitude and the “employer” that fathered the child, she meets a man and they are eventually married.  Tess hid her son for the duration of the relationship and finally revealed his existance after the marriage. 

Her husband was so infuriated that he left her.  She returned to a life of servitude, financial struggles and miserably low social status.

Many years later, her husband returns to the village.  Tess cordially welcomes him into her home, preparing his meal, a warm bath and his bed.

He asked her then “How can you treat me so kindly after what I have done to you?” 

Tess simply replies “Once having decided to love you, I will love you forever”

That is one of the greatest lines in Literature.  Love is a conscious decision.  It is not something we stumble or fall into.  It is something that grows, that forgives and most importantly…endures.

That night Dr. Snyder changed my life.  I knew that I would never again settle or mistake attraction for love.  I knew that when I did give of myself, it would be one hundred percent, and it would be forever.

I attained that desperately sought after A, but more importantly I have learned to look beyond the words, into the mind of a writer, and into my own soul.

The Point Where Leadership and Servitude Merge

When I consider the greatest leaders of our time, people the likes of the Dalai Lama, Ronald Reagan, Buhda, Jesus and Mother Theresa just to name a few, the one common thread they all possess is a knowledge of how to truly serve others.

Last night, I thought I had this blog signed, sealed and ready to be delivered…however…one of those unexpected little miracles popped up, and it all changed.  I received an e-mail which changed the blog, but it very well may have been a turning point in my life.

Randy Pausch is a name you should recognize.  It belongs grouped with those I mentioned above.  It is a name you should revere and what is more a philosophy you should adopt.  If you have not seen this video…watch it.  Google it, and for heaven’s sake really pay attention.  He defines success, opens his greatest and most personal battle to the world, not for sympathy, but out of love.  The video was made for three people who are not old enough to comprehend messages of humility, determination, servitude, faith, hope, laughter and love.  It speaks of priorities, of energy, of fun.  Fun is very important.  I loved my most recent lesson in fun so much I up and left my home and ventured out and away with not much more than a dream.

Over the past two years, I decided that what I do has to make a difference.  This is why I write.  Life experience and succes are wonderful things, but they are just things unless you can pass them along.

I spent 40 years being petrified of riding a roller coaster.  I never knew the thrill of a zero gravity loop, g-force speed, or letting out a primal scream.  Most importantly, I had begun to live such a “safe” life.  I worked and went home and took care of my child.  There was no laughter, no deviation from routine.  I was stuck.

To make a long story short, I rode a roller coaster, albeit against my better judgment.

Have your fears, but do not let them paralyze you, you will miss out on the best part of life!

Set up your five year plan, AA, BA, BMW…but along the way use the wisdom of the soul.  There is so much more to life.  Learn to serve others and yourself well.  You’ll be suprised of the success you attain along the way.

Bad hair day? Think outside the box!

Growing up sucks.  We get to school, and what we thought was fun at home is no longer fun, because it just isn’t cool.

Competition starts early, and so does conformity.  No longer can we color a dog purple and heaven forbid we color outside the lines.  We begin our day hearing the teacher say “Good Morning Class” and we give are trained to respond in unison “Good Morning Ms. Smith”.   Blech!

How does this prepare you for life?  Okay…so there are rules we have to follow.  Order is necessary in society and a stop sign does mean stop, however, did you ever stop to consider what would have happened if William Shakespeare or Benjamin Franklin followed all the rules all the time?  Can’t you just picture old Ben’s mom screaming “Get in out of the lightening!”  What if Plato had remained silent in the interest of decorum?

Just for today perhaps we should break the rules. I don’t mean run a red light, or steal something from the local grocer and for heaven’s sake don’t say “Abby gave me permission to not file my taxes this year”.  What I am saying is follow your heart.  .

Think not only with intellect and factor heart and instinct into your decisions.  Perhaps showing compassion for the three elderly people walking at a snail’s pace side by side in the supermarket who are blocking you from passing by deserve compassion rather than disdain or contempt because they are blocking you and throwing your schedule off by three precious minutes.  God willing, you will be that old someday.

Just for today, when the class says “Good Morning Ms. Smith”  say “Hey girl Hey” – evoke laughter, smile and show a little compassion.  You will surprise those you come in contact with, and more importantly…you just might find yourself pleasantly surprised with the promise of who you can become.  Think outside the box!

Sometimes Your Prince Turns Into A Frog

Forty brings about a lot of change in most people.  It is a time where our minds begin to wander and wonder what might have been.  We long for contact with old friends, and when it is made you never know what you will find.

It is also a time when we assess life and question the decisions we have made and begin to take action to change them.  The discovery I made in this process is that there is a reason for everything. 

After twenty years of not speaking, my first love contacted me.  Curious, I flew off to another state to meet him, and it was incredible.  Looking in those blue eyes, with the eyes of a sixteen year old who was still blushing in his presence was novel.  Those eyes killed me when I met him at the age of 12, and years later, they still held that magical power.

At the age of 40, I had a ten year old child, was divorced and life consisted of work, child, work, child and did I mention work, child?  The trip began an adventure, and a transformation.

Eventually other events in life sparked a move to his new hometown.  Two years had passed since that first meeting and I now had a more sober view of life.  Time passed and the honeymoon was always there, but the commitment never came.  I had moved on and grown, and I finally realized that I was still dealing with the same man that ran off breaking my heart twenty years earlier.

I did learn though, that I am capable of many things, of loving adventure, of standing on my own two feet, of making decisions to change.  I learned to feel my fear and face those things I had to face anyway.

At the age of 46, I have finally become comfortable with  the prince being a frog but I have retained the crown jewels!